After midnight, on the way back to Bella Coola.
Fell asleep as we parked on the boat, 2am, pretty much. Bundled up under my blanket, I rolled over with one numb arm when we drove off to turn the car around in Ocean Falls, the sun was up at 4am already. Covered my face and slept four more hours. Woke up hungry and ate my cheese and crackers and eggs. Watched a hundred porpoises jump past us. I'd awoken in the same place as on my way out to Bella Bella, at the Alex Mackenzie monument, where the boat appeared to be heading straight for the rocks, slowly, but straight into them. I got out to see why it was so close to shore and there was this concrete spire that showed how far west he'd gone. He never met the people on the outer coast at all... His loss. I go back to the car and put a movie on, I know where I am, but pull out the map anyway, I need to see it. I decide to go upstairs after the movie, and open the door to an BC Ferries employee with a jug of coffee, cups, cream and sugar, standing at the bottom of the steps. He serves me coffee right there, in the small space between the heavy doors. I'm laughing so hard as I mix my stuff together. From the lounge I look out the window as we pass a waterfall that comes pouring out of the forest, over the barnacled rocks. The tide is halfway it looks like. A great big glacier -the Bentwick Spire maybe?- is the next thing to stare at, then I see a shape in the trees on the mainland side, like a large man just standing still among the stunted trees. Is it Sasquatch? As I look I realize he would have to be so very large that it's unlikely, and the man becomes part of the shadows that the trees are casting. Listen to stories about elderly patients these nurses used to see, the hundred year old man with the wooden shoes, and the blow torch in the bathroom to kill the flies his glaucoma convinces him he sees. When they assure him that there are no flies in the bathroom, he asserts, "because it works!"
Start to get a headache as we disembark. Also smell the flowers. It's been weeks since I smelled flowers! Realize there are no flowers in Bella Bella like there are here. The wild roses are all blooming. Decide to collect some petals for rosewater this weekend. Return a truckload of wine bottles that turns out to only be $15 worth, then pick up cheap booze and food and ice, pack my camper, check my fluids and roll. Not far up the highway, I turn onto the forest service road and crack a can. I gulp it down as I steer the truck, hoping to ease this headache off. The green is beautiful and I crane my head all over, soaking it in. Waterfalls and creeks and mountaintops, this is nice country. Up I go, and stop at a tiny fall of water that is emerging from some moss in the sun. I dunk my head into it, and scrub my scalp, this hair is greasy already from a long night of traveling on the ferry. Its dulling cold and my headache is secondary for a few minutes. I notice a definite wet dog smell though as I drive on and wonder if that spur of the moment excitement was worth it, or is my hair full of mosquito larvae now... Grab some more cans from the fridge and keep on, stopping once more when one of the camper struts has dropped down and is dragging, hitting the ground six times maybe before I stop and wrench it back on straight, push it back up into its cylinder and zap strap it to stay. I'm suddenly at the falls. The campsite is a pull off from the road, but it doesn't matter, I'm the only one here, so I'm happy. My head is still pounding and I've been thinking of something dirty the whole way so I get into my camper for a session. People and their dogs pull up just as I'm almost there, so I cover up, make myself invisible, and take a nap. I wake with no more headache, eat and start a fire. The falls are beautiful, coming right out of the blue sky, framed by a few snowy peaks. It's colder here, there's an icefield refrigerator next door, and the mosquitos are easy to kill, they're so enormous and slow. I layer up and set up my tote table and comfy chair. Nine twenty and it's getting cold, even with a nice fire going, maybe it's time to crawl back in.
Sit out and sing songs to the trees until eleven, thinking about that guitar up front. Not tonight, but soon, I should pull some tabs for next weekend. Finally settle in for sleep, fully clothed, and drift away to the roar of the falls. I wake up to the ice and bottles in the fridge shifting, and wonder who is in my truck. Try to sleep in, then decide to start the day. I can't sleep in any more even though I really want to, I see the sun coming in the windows.
Squeeze out of the foxhole and lounge around in my camper naked for awhile, this is the rulingest feeling in the world. I love my new camper, I wouldn't do this outside. My imagination gets caffeinated so I crawl up for a go, flying over the trees toward the cascades as I fall over them and over them, drifting through the sky with the mist coming off of them. Put some music on and a few clothes. Dance around in the sun outside my camper to the old self-titled Jane's album. Wash my face and hands and self and get dressed. I would like to go for a walk. Turn off the music and watch the hummingbirds, the bees, the flies and the moths buzz around in the sun between the trees. I would like to go exchange some energy with that forest over there, where the trees are massive, nearer to the river.
But I have this fear...
I begin to step slowly into the woods, out of the sun. It is achingly beautiful to me, this quiet place, with all the moss and shade and dapply light. I want to lay down in the soft moss. I collect the morning webs and for once I am not bothered by them, more like feeling blessed by this morning. Yet I stop at the top of the trail, where it begins to drop, and I can't go forward. I look around, scanning for danger, but I don't see anything that might be causing this fear. I'm angry with it. Go away, fear, I don't need you right now! I yell at it in my head. I speak the words out loud. But it won't go. I stand rooted next to a tree, and put my hands to it, to feel its safety. I take one step past it finally and jump as a squirrel chides me for coming too close to his tree. I can't do this- why!? I am disappointed and look down at the diamonds of river water I can see at the bottom, wanting to be next to it, to feel its rushing and let it take away the bad that I have been remembering.
I consider staying another night, and how long it would take to get to work by eight from here. How long will it take to shake this fear? I want to stay until it has passed, I want to get to where the water meets the ground again, and rolls the rest of the way to the inlet.
Finished some more coffee, took some photos and then set out again, making it all the way to the river's edge this time. It's a big mess of fallen tree debris in the river, there must have been quite a lot of rain this winter. I jump once when some little creature squeaks, and am constantly scanning, but I make it, getting spooked only where the trail ends, and looks like it got washed out. I am going to go up to the falls now, especially since there is one other family who pulled up after I was just finished another relaxing session. I feel like a teenager with all this masturbation, but it's okay. I haven't had any time to myself, there is some great energy shift happening, and I feel damn frisky out here in the woods, all energized by the high air, so what the hell. I keep thinkin' a Sasquatch is going to smell sex on me though, come and steal me away forever.
Wonderful walk in the woods. There was a family picnicking and it gave me the facility to go walk, without fear, into the woods, along the mossiest, loveliest trail I've seen in some time. I took pictures of creeks, streams, sun through the trees, and nice places in the moss to lay down. Stopped at one, because I can't quit imagining how it would be, making out in one of these soft hollows. Thought I'd give it a try. I was much too nervous to get anywhere, but I hiked up my shirt and bra and rolled over on it. It was not as soft as it looked at all! Kind of wishing that I hadn't ruined the way it felt in my mind. I hiked on, through the thick of a few fears, and came to the bridge where the waterfalls were seen best. It looks like the trail beyond was washed out. I sat on the bridge and ate chips, watching the cascade for awhile, then headed back, threading my way across the few streams where the trail bridge had washed away, coming out to find the family gone. I had done it all on my own, and that felt better than succumbing to the fear. Decided when I was done to head back into town and sang my way, driving slowly, back down the road, stopping a few times to pee and once just to dance to the Littlest Birds.
Drive back towards town, pick up another block of ice and some breakfast yogurt, check messages, then make for the town centre and get some off-sales and smokes. Wash my hair in the bathroom at the pub, and the lady at the till tells me that the Jay Lakes road might still have snow, it might not be passable. Oh, hmmm. I decide to drive it anyway, and stop where there appears to be a pull-out by the Clayton River. Or one hour. I decide I will commute one hour to work in the morning and no more.
Faced and conquered this inexplicable fear of the wild, and drove my truck up some nice 4x4 road in the last stretch, here. Love my truck, love my camper, love my life. I'm toasty warm and fed, a little tipsy and connected. I've missed being out in the woods and near to giant trees, whirling wind, and whooshing water, taking all my bad energies away with them.
Thought today to let people know that they just need to get here, that I have places to sleep for three. One, other than me in the camper, one tent, bag and mat. I have next weekend off, then the weekend after, I go back to Bella Bella. I'm back for seven days when July starts, but then I want to go over for G's friend's wedding, as well as the canoe journey.
Cracking myself up with silliness while I'm doing chores, washing dishes, feeling stoked on me cos I brought almost everything I ever need. Good God's Urge spinning me into la-la land What I don't have is: Hand axe and music speakers.
At some point, I decide that the big bench will make a perfect pee hanger. I plunk myself down and the whole damn thing lifts up, with my wine glass next to my computer, rising into the air on the other end, riding the plank of the bench up up up! hahaha, I laugh and try to steadily lower it down while not peeing on myself!
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